Depression sucks.
Depression is what led me to nearly take my own life. As I’m a fundamental coward, I never thought about things like shooting myself, or driving off a Mississippi River bridge crossing into Missouri or anything like that.
Depression had me literally eating myself to death. TWICE.
Not only that, the Voices in my head were constantly telling me that I was a complete failure. I was a burden to the people I loved most—my family. That I—and they—would be better off if I wasn’t here.
And I LISTENED to those voices.
I STILL hear them.
But, many things have happened between 2008 and today. (Those years are another story). Here is a story of how I have grown to ignore the worst of the voices and have been working towards the Light.
Clik here to view.
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So. If you all don’t already know, I’ve been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. Recurring. That means that yes, I have a mental illness. I’m not going to go into detail how it affects my personal life.
I, as I have stated above, have also had THOSE thoughts. The ones that make me feel like taking the so called “easy way out”. But I am too much of a coward to do so. I also want to live to make a difference in the lives of the kids I teach. And I have. I have PROOF of that. Again, another story. But one that keeps me alive.
As I mentioned, I was subconsciously deliberately killing myself with eating. Twice. The reason, after the second time, I got my bariatric surgery in 2019 was because I didn’t want to die. So I got the surgery and have been in therapy for at least five years. And so I go on.
To me, the GREATEST reason I strive on is in the music I perform and teach. In teaching, I have made so much of a difference to a LOT of my kids, and that’s what keeps me waking up and going to work every day.
BUT—but, it’s in MY performing that I receive the greatest therapy in the world. I have long stated to the world and my therapist that my singing in the Apollo Chorus of Chicago IS my real therapy. I perform in other groups and they are just as important, but singing in a choir is something totally other. My choir has been performing Messiah every year since 1879. Even in COVID 2020, we did. This is us that year. If you know my face, you’ll recognize me
I discovered Project Semicolon several years ago. It was created by a suicide survivor who ultimately took her own life. Its premise is that of the grammatic meaning of the semicolon: That the story/sentence is NOT over; that it goes on. If you see a person with a semicolon tattooed on their body, you will know that said person has either attempted or thought about attempting the easy way out.
I have yet to get that tattoo. I have the design in mind, though. I’m waiting for budget and time to do so. HOWEVER—what I did do was commission a dear friend to do a painting of all of these feelings. You have seen the title in the cover photo. Here is what she wrote of the commission, only after about an hour of talking to her:
In vibrant blues, a strong life force seems to surge up with considerable power.A winged bassoon flies up in this ‘power bouquet’, as if it wants to literally lift us up with its music. Radiant red and yellow flowers add a cheerful pop to the canvas, and echo the warm yellow stars in the sky.A semi colon presents itself in the top middle of the painting, looking like a part of the celestial constellation, as a sign from above: we keep going. This life force (plants, butterflies) and music below lifts us up and carry us into the next chapter, again and again.
I was astounded that she gleaned THAT from the short time I talked to her about the painting. (Shameless plug—commission work from her as indicated in the top photo. You will be astonished) Anyway, here is the painting:
Clik here to view.
She even painted the frame to make stars surround the painting.
Long story short, I’m still here, I intend to remain here, because my story is MOST DEFINITELY not over. I’ve got too many kids to mentor, too much music to make, and too many people who love me to end things now. And while the voices will never be silent, they cannot stand up to THAT power and grace.
And now, on to Tops!
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Highlighted by Piano Tuner:
This comment by MessagingMatters in OwassoHarpist’s recommended post on problems using Twitter.
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